Monday, 12 September 2011

News for Dummies 12/9

People remembered the victims of 9/11 yesterday on the 10th anniversary of the disaster; my heart went out to EVERYONE effected, and that included those who had toiletries over 100ml seized in airports in the last decade.

If I had to sum up 9/11 I'd have to say it was 0.82

Is it really bad to secretly hope for a similar tragedy to happen in the UK on the 9th of November just so WE can call it 9/11 and piss the Americans off!

24 slaves we're freed from a gypsy camp; in other words celebrity big brother finished.

(Amy Winehouse is front page in the papers again.... how many jokes can I write on this poor girl!!)

This time it's her dad saying Amy's spirit is always by his side; but if she was still alive she'd have that bottle of vodka finished by now!!

He has launched a foundation in her name to keep kids off drugs, it's kind of like that Raul Moat gun safety trust.

Justin Bieber has announced he wants to be a dad by the time he's 25; just in time for his shelf life in the public eye to expire, as he spirals into bankruptcy ensuring his child qualifies for EMA and free school meals. Plus the worlds greatest talents die at 27 so he doesn't want to leave it too late right? Right???

A Lifeguard at a Florida water-park was struck by a lightening bolt; this happened just as he spotted a man at the bottom of the slide had lost his trunks on the ride and shouted "No Flashing"

A nurse is sueing the NHS after an attempted attack by a patient has left her with a fear of scissors; this is doubly traumatic as she is a lesbian


As this is blog #100 a couple of other comedians from the circuit have offered up some jokes from today’s news, here are my favourites:

James Christopher

"Leak risk after explosion at French nuclear plant; Chef prepares recipe for Creme of Mushroom Cloud Soup"

"Slavery' raid police quiz five; though the boyband's management insist that Abz was paid just like the other four."

Big Lou Jones

"England Rugby World Cup bosses have blamed "Balls" for England goal-kicker Jonny Wilkinson putting in the worst kicking performance of his international career; Glad to hear it's not just English Footballers who have trouble controlling their Balls.

Paul Savage

Amy winhouse foundation saving kids from drugs; do you think kids of heroin addicts get to lick the spoon?

Andy Fury

"I suck donkey cock!"

I didn't get the last one either, maybe he wasn't telling me a joke but just being informative.

No comments:

Post a Comment