Thursday, 8 September 2011

News for Dummies 8/9

Britain's Got Talent chief Simon Cowell admitted to having a 3 in a bed romp with two beauties; but says he only had sex with one of them because he buzzed the other one off!!
They did have trouble getting his pants off!!

Pregnant Amanda Holden was in a car crash with a lorry yesterday and miraculously her and her bump where unharmed from the bump; Amanda has suffered two miscarriages already and ironically the one she avoided was on a duel carriageway. She had to pull out of her production of the Shrek musical, ironically pulling out would have been a more successful form of contraception.

David Cameron adopted a rescue cat for 10 Downing street to get rid of vermin; unfortunately it hasn't worked an Nick Clegg is still in the spare room

Business Chiefs urge the bank of England to print £50billion in cash to avoid a recession; Wait a minute!!!! We can just print more money???? This seemed to obvious to even be an option. But saying that I've just had to buy ink cartridges for my Canon and I can see how this might be false economy!

Two beams off light shone into the sky from ground zero as a tribute to the victims of 9/11; My thought is we should create one structure in their place made from the same stuff as Amanda Holden's womb, because as we know you can rock it twice but then it's invincible!!

It was a Row with Pete Doherty that led heiress Robin Whitehead to take the heroin that killed her; I imagine the row went something like this: "Take this heroin!" ... "No!" ... "Gooo ooonnn" ... "Alright then!"

A 9 year old boy got a hole in one at a Manchester golf course; I just knew more kids would be inspired to excel at the "sport" when Tiger Woods proved it can get you mountains of pussy!! It won't be long before we hear about kids organising talent contests!

An elderly couple in Worcester were forced out of their home when it was invaded by 500 House-Martins; they had no choice but to move into their caravan...... of love!

Now get back to work, feed that crying baby, respond to that 999 call... whatever it is you should be doing instead of procrastinating!!

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