Thursday, 1 September 2011

News for Dummies 1/9

A Queens guard at Windsor has been arrested and charged with raping a pre-teen girl; First the Vatican and now the Monarch, I'm starting to get suspicious of any establishment that dresses its grown men up as absolute Pillock's. My eye is on the Telly-Tubbies, the WWE and the emergency services!!

More and more GP's are talking about quiting due to the amount of admin they have to do; well I'm sure they wouldn't have so much of a paper chase if they didn't dish out a mammary exam with every migraine complaint, I mean I went in with a twisted ankle and ended up having a smear test... I don't even have a vagina!! Perverts!!!

Twilight star Robert Pattinson shocked a homeless man by buying him a brand new top end guitar; I guess the transfer window set everyone panic buying, but at least he doesn't have the headache of spending £10m on Peter Crouch

More secondary school pupils are choosing traditional subjects; like Cornish pasty making, Blackberry picking and Morris dancing

Bear Grylls has said that he would rather eat a Scorpion than Sprouts; fair play to him, sprouts spoil Xmas dinner more than a fist fight with your uncle.

Gaddafi's son has announced he wants to join the rebellion; he's a massive star wars fan.

A carer stole £46,000 from an 85 year old woman to set up a sex toy enterprise; everyone in the home thought 85 year old Doreen had Parkinson's but it turns out she was just testing out the merchandise she was unwillingly funding.

600 riot yobs were traced by leaving their DNA on windows; people will wank over anything these days.

I'm off to Tenerife tomorrow for a long weekend so hopefully I'll have you a guest writter sorted for Friday and Monday!!

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