Monday, 26 September 2011

News for Dummies 26/9

People are furious because nurses on busy wards have been asking family members to help out by feeding and assisting their sick relatives; FURIOUS they are…  put your foot down people say “No I won’t help my stroke victim father wipe the soup of his chin, he would be much less humiliated if a stranger did it!!” Just chip in for fuck sake so the nurses can be of use to patients that aren’t lucky enough to have whinging offspring to wipe their arse!!!
Bull fighting has been banned in the Catalina region of spain, owners of china shops have no choice but to sit back and watch the carnage!
An Aeroplane crashed into Mount Everest killing 19 passengers; It’s easily done, I mean Everest just creeps up on you sometimes, one minute you’re flying along clear horizon, next minute a 20’000ft rock out of no-where, they should really do a risk assessment on it. The Ryan Air flight in question was only meant to be going from Dublin to Cork.
Women in Saudi Arabia are finally allowed to vote. The X-factor phone lines haven’t stopped.
30 Rhino heads have been stolen from museums as they are worth £60’000 a kilo when powdered and sold as an aphrodisiac; who’d have thought a rhino head could give you the horn…. I still think they’re charging a bit much!!
A man caught his wife cheating because her sat-nav history lead him to her lovers address; I reckon he should give her another chance, any woman that can use a sat-nav is a keeper.  
A study has reviled fruit and veg can heighten the risk of cancer; I knew there was a reason I leave that pointless, unwanted, imposter on my plate every morning. Of course I’m talking about that half a tomato that spikes my fry-up on a daily basis, fuck knows why it even ends up there I cook my own breakfasts!
Hedgehogs are at risk of becoming extinct; this is because they are a ridiculous animal at an evolutionary dead end, if they weren’t as difficult to kick I’d help finish them off!

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