Tuesday, 6 September 2011

News for Dummies 6/9

Big thank you to Danny Sloss for baby-sitting my blog for me but I'm left with that suspicious feeling that I've had a load of strangers in my house and my baby might have been abused!! Speaking of Abused I've just had 3 days in Tenerife and like the school bully killing ants God spotted me as a ginger whipped out his magnifying glass and turned me into a fucking Crab Stick!!

Note to strangers: This ISN'T me!!

*Applies after-sun, starts the blog*

£1,000,000 winning Red and Black contestant has previously served jail time for beating up his girlfriend; In a little game they like to call Black and Blue.

It has been revealed that letch Blake Fielder charged Amy Winehouse £150 for a kiss; But she didn't pay up and he only did compressions, CPR is nothing without the good ol' Kiss of life so unfortunately she died!

6 Oxfam workers have been found guilty of misconduct in Haiti; The fashion police arrested them for making people who are already suffering from poverty wear 90's goalkeeper tops and Chinos.

Energy prices are set to soar to fund the governments green policies; Here's a policy on green... legalize it!! I'd happily up my energy bills, I'd constantly have Pizza in the oven anyway.

A Southampton man married his American lover over Skype; Well she did say she wanted to be married by a stream, his best man tweeted the speech and they will spend their honeymoon surfing.

A besotted 94 year old gran got out of her hospital bed and married her 84 year old toyboy; for the simple reason internet access in the hospital is extortionate otherwise they would have just got married on MSN messenger.

Half of over 55's use teenage style abreviations when texting; but old people are renowned for having vowel trouble.

Honeymoon murderer Shrien Dewani spent £40,000 on top lawyers and detectives; But he hopes to redeem this money when he appears on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?"

In retaliation to the story of me in Mansion I gift you with a couple of video's of Danny's work posted on a very reputable website..... Droolworthy?????

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