Friday, 23 September 2011

News for Dummies 23/9

I'm back from my tanning my pastey arse and will no doubt peel out of my skin over the weekend if anyone wants to buy a bronze Kai suit and do a couple of gigs!?

Cheers to Danny for taking over my blog and using a unique combination of profanities to express how much he hates the sluts that grace the cover of Heat magazine. That said this is for my new readers that are here for their love of his victimization of Z-listers.

Kerry Katona ay? I hope she gets pregnant because of a brutal rape then miscarriages after 8months only for her pet Alsatian to eat the foetus and die of food poisoning!!

Jordan ay???? I bet the England rugby team has run a train on the bucket cunted cum sponge... you know who else runs trains VIRGIN... she's not, she lost her virginity to her dad while she was still in the womb!

I hope I sounded enough like Danny to keep you reading :o) now for a more sophisticated look at today's news.....

An actor who starred in Crocodile Dundee is jailed for hitting his wife; It's not like some-one from Dundee to hit a woman....<sarcastic pause>..... But it's like Beyonce said (in her remix with the blackout crew) "If you like it then you better put A BANGIN' DONK ON IT!!"

"This is a Donk!!"

Arnold Schwarzenegger has decided to write an autobiography detailing how he fathered a love child by his house keeper; I imagine his decision to go paper-back or hard-back is trickier than his decision to go bare-back!!

A man ended up in hospital after he was attacked by a CAT while he was walking his dog; What the fuck is the world coming to, just swing a right boot through that cat like you're Jonny Wilkinson and shout fetch you poor excuse for a fucking grown-up!

Cheryl Cole was pulled by a squaddie when they traded numbers on her morale boosting trip to Afghanistan; the Geordie pin-up always did like to dip a soldier in her eggs in the morning!!

A fight ticket in Preston controversially pitted two 8 year old boys together in a brutal cage fight; one onlooker said it was the guiltiest wank he's ever had! 

Scientists have recorded subatomic particles going faster than the speed of light proving the Albert Einsteins theory of relativity is wrong.... What. A. Dipshit!!! He's up in heaven as we speak trying to put a square peg in a round hole while attempting to lick his elbow and speaking of heaven, Einstein also believed in God... go figure!!

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