News for Dummies 5/9 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Well it’s that time again where Kai is still off travelling the world or molesting a tramp or writing some more dick jokes (we get it Kai, you masturbate, Jesus, I’m 20 and I don’t even talk about it that much). But he’s not back so I guess I’ll have to fill your Monday up with the same amount as pain and misery as Kerry Katonas kids who wake up every morning and remember that they’re Kerry Katonas kids. It must be being like diagnosed with Super-shit-AIDs every single day.

What? I promised you I’d tell you about Kai and the nightclub girl who he made cry. That doesn’t sound like me, why would you lie?

Big fat fat-filled fatties are costing the NHS shit loads of money on equipment to accommodate the big fat, lard filled, pointless (mainly because they‘re round) fat fucks. The cavernous pits of self-loathing ugliness are costing the NHS 25 million pounds, which is what most of them actually weigh.

Celebrity Big Brother bosses say they are going to “Mix things up” in the house, possibly by putting in an actual celebrity.

Honestly, I can’t tell you the Kai rape story, it would be wrong.

More information has come out about the Raoul Moat shootings which means that Kai may be able to get another 6 months out of his joke. Either that or he’ll turn it into a wank joke.

Jade Richards wowed judges and the British public on the X factor at the weekend. Normally I would come out with a torrent of abuse about the girl, but I won’t. Is it because I’ve had a change of heart? Is it because her song had the same effect on me as it did most of the British public, causing me to gently break down into tears because of the beauty behind her voice? No… it’s cause she’s from Fife like me. So that means one of three things 1. We’re related 2. We’ve had sex 3. She’ll stab me (note:1,2,3 often go together)

Slutbag Price (or Katie as she’s known to her friends, all 1 of them) has been spotted kissing a girl from The Only Way Is Essex and The Sun managed to get pictures and I am now incapable of getting an erection ever again. Seriously, it’s like not going back into the ocean after you’ve watched Jaws. Except in this case, instead of not wanting to going back somewhere because of the fear of a mass, fishy smelling cavernous unwashed hole that gobbles everything up it’s that… no… wait. It’s the same thing. The two of them are so gold and shiny it looks like C3PO blew his load on the lowest life forms he could find.

Wow that last bit was horrible… OH WELL!

Now for the moment you’ve all been waiting for… JUSTIN BIEBER HAS BEEN IN A CAR CRASH! Unfortunately he survived.

But really though, now for the actual moment you’ve all been waiting for. The crying girl story. That’s right, I’ve built it up so much now that you’re going to be as disappointed as Kerry Katonas kids are when they wake up and (just read the top bit again)

Me and Kai went to a nightclub in Edinburgh and Kai was drunk. Like really, drunk. I’ve never been drunk with a Geordie before, I kinda hoped that since he’s already so thick and unintelligible that maybe the alcohol would have the opposite effect on him, surely Kai couldn’t get stupider. WRONG!
 We got to the nightclub and went down stairs and went in the VIP bit, no biggy, I know some guys. So we get in and there is this girl. She’s alright looking and seems like a good laugh. She was making out with some guy. Now, this guy, for lack of a better phrase, was a fucking douche bag. He had popped his collar because he didn’t know any other way to let a mass amount of people know that he and his uncle shared special cuddles when he was 7. He’d been being a cunt to other people most of the night, me and Kai had seen him arguing with the bouncers (who I know, and are sound as fuck). Now she was nice, he was a cunt. She was very drunk, and he was a cunt. They were making out, and he was a cunt. She didn’t look like a girl that made out with random men in nightclubs often, he did look like a guy that made out with random men in nightclubs.
 So Kai, decides to be the hero, and not let this cunt get off with this lovely girl, like a cock-blocking Superman. He thinks it would be funny (and it was) to sit beside them, put his hands down his pants and just stare at them. Which he did. I LOLLED a lot. The guy sees this, gets the girl and moves to a chair further away from our now lonely Geordie.
Kai gets up and moves over to sit back beside them, this time going one better and pulling his trousers down to his ankles and sitting as close to them as possible. The guy sees this and left, I assume to get a condom, if he didn’t have one I imagine he was going to go for a poo and hope one of his previously used ones would come out. This girl is now left, with out someone to make out with and a Geordie in his pants and sipping a WKD Blue. This has never happened to her before, she’s never seen David Attenboroughs Life and doesn’t know that in Newcastle, this is a friendly sign. She’s confused and drunk and then breaks down into tears.
 Kai, now feeling guilty, tries to apologise to her. This is quite a nice move you think to yourself, wrong. To you and me he is someone who was having a laugh, took it a bit too far and is now feeling guilty. To everyone else this is a 28 year old guy (I know, 28! What an old bastard) with his trousers down at his ankles apologising to a crying 19 year old who just keeps telling her friends “I just wanted a kiss”. We left very quickly.