Tuesday, 28 June 2011

News for Dummies 28/6 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Hello. My name’s Daniel Sloss. You know? The comedian off the telly? The blonde one. No not Russell Howard, the one with the hair! No! Fuck Chris Ramsey! Not him! The Scottish one! Kevin Bridges? I wish… No… You know what, fuck it.

I’m taking over Kais blog for the next few days as he’s playing hooky in Amsterdam… no wait, I misread that text. He’s paying a hooker in Amsterdam. Sorry, my bad.

Doing this blog will be a lot like babysitting someone elses child, I’ve just got to be nice, have fun with it and try my hardest not to fuck it.

I want to make sure I don’t change to blog, so I’m going to try and keep as much in tone with the blog as Kai normally does it.
ALREET PET! WAY AY! FOOKIN A! Aww ah loov me blog me, something something something. <Insert personal joke> rape joke. Smiley face YER MAM

Britain has released a list of it’s 10 most wanted criminals who are believed to be on the run in Holland. Holland and Britain have put a joint appeal out to the public to help track them down. A joint appeal? Are we going to go looking for them stoned? I don’t think that’d work. “Where are they?” “Uhh… McDonalds…” “You sure?” “Ehhh yehhh… You got a tenner?” "You're a shit detective Kai."

The Tennis is on and still-British-for-the-moment Andy Murray has gone through. YAY! He’s so confident that if he gets knocked out he’ll have to leave the competition with his tail tucked between his legs. Unlike Serena and Venus Williams who enter the competition with their “tail” tucked between their legs already. HA! It’s funny because they look like men. Totally original concept, ah thank you.

Kate and Wills were at the tennis and Will joined in the Mexican wave! YAY! Who gives a cunting-shit? Seriously? He originally didn’t want to because when he joined in one when he was younger his dad told him to stop being French. It says here that tennis fan Tom Williams said “It was great to see.” From this we can safely deduce that Tom is a sad, lonely douche bag.

A 23 year old chavvy bell-end was sent to jail yesterday for a bunch of crimes and some shit coz his parents didn‘t hit him hard enough as a kid. Anyway, the point is he’s been nicknamed “super-ned”. Now is that not just the worlds shittest super-hero. How did he get his powers? A radioactive STD from his uncle? Did someone switch his MD 20-20 for WD40? Super-ned? More like Man of “Steals shit”… Ay? Ay? See what I did there? Coz of Superman and Super… fuck it.

A swarm of bees killed 4 horses. This is obviously a terrible thing and is no laughing matter… Until you picture it. Go on. Actually close your eyes and picture what that must’ve looked like. Lolcano!

Dundee have been forced to admit they have no zombie plan. This is not true, they do, they’ve had one for years. If a zombie puts it’s mouth on any member of the public in Dundee it will die instantly of either heart-disease, gonorrhoea or shame.

That’s 5 quite mediocre topical gags. NOW LETS GET SOME PUNS!!! WOOP! WOOP! That’s the sound of the police. Or unless you’re from Scotland in which case “Hud oan… Ah said hud oan! Ah dinnae care how many times ye’ve bin stabbed I cannae hear ye when ye shout. So calm doon and all send the police roond. Whet? Aww fuck this.” is the sound of the police.

Police to axe oak desks - I wood!

Gay magician misery at homophobic audience - he should’ve made them all go “poof”

A man proposed to his wife during a poker game - they were two of a kind, she was all flushed, she felt Queen high, she hoped in a couple of years to have a full house, but it turns out he wasn’t straight.

A landlord has won a toe-wrestling competition in Derbyshire - what a toe-tal waste of time.

Well I hope that was as soul-destroying for you as it was for me. This is why I stick to the wank jokes. Anyway, I’ll see you tomorrow for some other terrible terrible jokes and you’ll miss Kai more than Kylie does when there are no double-a batteries left

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