Monday, 27 June 2011

News for Dummies 27/6

A close friend of David Cameron was found dead in a porter-loo in Glastonbury after 20 hours; I bet the queue was massive, Cameron described his friend as "his rock" this is because he picked him up in Blackpool and he made his hands sticky.

The "Ministry of Defence" is set to have a reshuffle; but they are undecided whether to call it "Feisty Fenced Minor" or "Noisy Centred Miff"

Jennifer Aniston get's a tattoo of her dead dog's name on her foot; (I think that's what she did, is her dog called Left?) that's devotion though, I once wore trainers without socks and my foot smelt like my dead dog.

While we're on ex friends cast members David Schwimmer claims he will not be responsible for his actions if he ever meets the paedophile who abused his former girlfriend when she was a child; But the attacker claims "We were on a break!" which is strange because Americans usually call it recess.
Well where the fuck were the dinner ladies????

Police escorted a man to safety after he attempted to walk 26 miles on the hard shoulder from Doncaster to Hull; A police spokesman said it was a very dangerous act that could have resulted in a fatal accident that would have gruesomely killed him and endangered other motorists or worse still he could have ended up in Hull

70% of Cocaine tested has been cut with a worming drug; that will explain why Charlie Sheens dog doesn't stop barking on about itself, and also why Bree Olsen never drags her arse across the carpet. Although technically they are the same person.

Scotland yard have announced that police must justify putting people in handcuffs; about time!! I was getting sick off been handcuffed willy nilly for no reason.

Scientists in Holland are close to creating a test-tube burger out of stem cells; Only a nation who are constantly stoned and on the munchies would snub cancer research in the pursuit of a tasty meat sandwich....... Speaking of which, my boat leaves in a few hours!!

I'm off to Amsterdam for the next 2 days but I have enlisted a special celebrity guest writer for the next two blogs while I'm away!

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