Wednesday, 22 June 2011

News for Dummies 22/6

In an NHS hospital in Cardiff frail old people were given a Tambourine to use as a panic alarm; There was outrage until one old man with Parkinson’s got scouted for the percussion section of the local Jazz band

A top surgeon hanged himself after an error while performing an operation; he was using tweezers to get an ice-cream cone out of the man’s head and accidentally touched the side, the nose lit up and it was game over. He took his board games very seriously.

A sales manager in Sheffield put a women over his knee to spank her, bullied women over their weight and encouraged people to grab his genitals. People questioned his strategies but by the end of his term his workforce were obedient, slim and on the ball.

A Judge get's probation for beating his wife but he claims the bruises on his wife’s face were from her hitting herself during a row; This is a brilliant image, if I was arguing with my Mrs and she started punching herself in the face I'd think I was a Jedi knight!!

Prince Harry nicknamed Pippa Middleton "Commando" after rumours that she wore no knickers at the royal wedding; If we are going off rumours he probably called her "Commando" because she grabbed his pipe and told him to let off some steam!

Lee Ryan from man-band Blue was arrested for a kerfuffle in a nightclub on his birthday, when asked in court for two reasons why the fight took place he said "One for the money and the free rides, It's two for the lie that you denied..." Then the judge said "All Rise" (twice for some reason) and then suggested technically that's 3 reasons.

Niomi Campbell, nobody is being racist, we simply hate you... black white or purple we'd still think you're a cunt. Only if "Niomi Campbell" was a race of people would we admit racism. Rant Over!

Wales has the highest number of people that smoke after having sex; I knew a welsh girl that smoked during sex but that was probably due to the speed I was going!! Naaaaaa Meaaaaaaaannn!!!!!

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