News for Dummies 20/6

The rumours are heating up that Cheryl and Ashley Cole are getting back together; they first got together as a publicity stunt to prove she wasn't racist but now she wants to squash the myth that once you go black you never go back.

Boris Johnson has slammed Kenneth Clark claiming he is giving out too many short sentences. Ken replied saying "I'm not"

I've just popped into my old work place and the Maintenance man (Dave Thompson) has had a new hip; It has 6 speed settings and his wife is very pleased.

"An unorthodox incision for a hip opperation"

A man has a heart attack and dies after a verbal road rage; That's what happens when you toot your horn and stick your fingers up at a Sith Lord who's stuck in traffic.

NATO apologised last night after an airstrike killed 9 civilians including a baby. It makes me think jails wouldn't be as cramped if the convicts stopped being stubborn and said sorry once in a while. Kenneth Clark has cautioned NATO and given them 30 hours community service litter picking in Tripoli.

2 fighter pilots who turned up to work drunk have been grounded; I can't believe they still live with their parents

A herb found in most Curries can boost a man’s sex drive by at least a quarter researchers claim; Come to think of it Dave Thompson eats a lot of curry, he even calls it his "7th gear"

More than three quarters of sex workers in Cardiff have passed A-level and GCSE exams; shit! so when she was finding out the length of my cock with her mouth while it was at a 90 degree angle she could have been working out how long my legs were??

And she'd clearly passed business studies with flying colours because it was next door to an Indian takeaway.

I'll be previewing my Edinburgh Fringe show at the Kings Manor in Newcastle tonight. 9pm if anyone wants to join me :o)