Friday, 17 June 2011

News for Dummies 17/6

More than 5000 teenage boys in the UK have an eating disorder; I'd like to suggest a campaign called "Stick 2 fingers up at Bulimia" to tackle the problem.

Tory MP, Andrew Brigdon, has been cleared of grope allegations; when asked what he thought of the accusations he said "I felt a right tit."

Police who foiled the plot to kidnap Joss Stone seized a note from the culprit that said "Find a river to dump her in!" But there was a flaw in their plan, because the last time I threw a Stone in a river it skipped across the surface 8 times and landed on the opposite bank.

A Policeman on a horse caught a fugitive after a 1/4 mile chase through a shopping centre; Someone has been playing Red Dead Redemption. The suspect is currently hog-tied on a railway line.

Bin Laden's replacement has been announced as Ayman al-Zawahiri; When I first heard this news I thought someone had found Alan, because in Newcastle "wey aye man Al's awa hear" is quite a common phrase.

4 in 10 youngsters think it's fine to be exposed to the sun for 2 hours without protection; 6 in 10 youngsters NEVER sunbathe without a condom on.

1500 customers of internet service provider Virgin Media have been warned that their PCs are infected with a malicious virus; Now if I caught a virus off a virgin.... I'd have questions.

Obesity in teenage boys increases later cancer risk; fucking hell they can't win!!

Tickets for my Edinburgh fringe show tickets are on sale from here:

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