Thursday, 30 June 2011

News for Dummies 30/6 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

Kai is still in Amsterdam and is currently as stoned as an woman who voiced her opinion in Iran.

Let's do this shit! Are you ready? No? Well, I'm a blog rapist so you can say no all you want, it's still gonna happen.

I saw a fat man fall down yesterday and two men yelled "WAYYY!!". It sounds sad, but I bet it was the first time he'd been "Way"ed without breaking a set of scales. Ay? Ay? See what I did there? It's not as good when it's written out in front of you, but hey! Never stopped Stephanie Meyer (the Twilight bitch)

Peter Crouch is marrying his girlfriend today and they're getting falcons to drop of the rings. Not coz it's romantic, it's just the only way to get the ring up to him.

Andy Murray is through to the semis. Throughout the entire match the camera kept switiching to his ******* "****". I'm not saying ***'s ****, I'm just saying that the way *** decided to arrange the foreskin coloured playdo that is *** **** must've dried up in the heat. It had more cracks than Kerry Katona at parents evening.
*censored by our agent!!

Nothing has actually happened in the world today. There is nothing in the news. But, the "Journalists" at the Sun are so good at scraping the bottom of the barrel that they could be the talent scouts for the next Britains Got Talent. These are 3 actual "headlines" in the news.

Cheryl Cole has gone blonde - This is to finally stop people confusing her as an intellectual. The only time I will ever care about Cheryl Coles hair is if I have one of her pubes stuck between my teeth.

A mouse got sucked into a hoover - AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA... Fucking Christ, why is this news?

The Pope has tweeted from his Ipad - making him the first member of the Catholic Church to finger something under 2 years old without everyone going mental. The dirty, old, peedo-housing, scare-mongering cunt.

Well... I'm in an airport and some old man has taken my newspaper and claimed he bought it himself. This is what old people do, lie and moan about the younger generation and then complain about how things were easier back in their day when things were expensive and the only really problem was when your wife got raped by a Pterodactyl and everyone had rickets and scurvy because they were real men. This means I can no longer summarise the news...

Todays blog has been a lot like having drunken sex. We both went into it really confident, and at one point or another we have both enjoyed it a little bit, but sadly I've not put as much effort in as I've been distracted and neither of us is sure if I'm actually capable of finishing. So lets call it a night and I'll slip you one in the morning. Kay? Kay... LOVE YOUR FACE

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