News for Dummies 8/6

Family criticize staff at a hospital where a patient was left to die in a corridor; he only went in with a sprained ankle but was left to wait so long in A&E he starved to death.

A burglar is jailed after he boasted on facebook about the charges being dropped; Now the only things he puts on his wall are 5 bar gates.

The voice of Rainbow's Zippy (Roy Skelton) died today; Zippy (known for the scariest blowjobs known to man) hasn't spoke about the death of his friends, in fact his lips have been sealed since he passed away. Sooty finally broke his silence saying: "Thank fuck, that annoying cunt wouldn't shut up!"

Zippy's African cousin is distraught

The little known Waxy Monkey Frog could help treat Cancer patients; say researchers whilst clutching loosely onto a big handful of straws.

Nicole Scherzinger claims she first heard about her role as a judge on the US X-factor from an article in the Sun; but she actually misread the headline about a revolutionary sewerage processing technique that read: "Shallow dyke used to sift through shit"

First Wayne Rooney and now Ryan Giggs is getting hair surgary; They took it too personally when Alex ferguson said they the Champions legue final lost because their front line was sitting too deep.

A murder suspect ended his killing spree by turning the gun on himself.... and survived; when paramedics turned up though he was off his face. They said "It raised some eyebrows" I don't see what the fuss is about I've seen loads of girls survive being shot in the face.

A man sued a strip club after he accidentally had his teeth knocked out by a dancers stiletto; The man in question doesn't usually get his kicks from half naked women but requested the river dance to spice it up a bit.

It was late, it was extremely rushed but it made the press!! Now get the kettle on and chill out.