Thursday, 2 June 2011

News for Dummies 2/6

Bahrain ends Martial Law. A mere 11 years after the UK axed the channel 5 series about fat Chinese martial arts expert, Sammo Law, who came to be a cop in LA.

I got up at 8 to have breakfast with Kylie then went back to bed til 12… Now how the fuck am I going to get the weetabix cement off our cereal bowls??
Journalists in Pakistan are allowed to carry guns I could see that power being abused in this country, as soon Alex Ferguson said no comment in a press conference you’d just here the echo of guns being cocked (haha “cocked”) and let’s face it, the Daily Mail reporters would just use it as an excuse to shoot black people
A Qantas Boeing 767 was grounded after Rats were spotted in the cabin; The hen doo from Newcastle were made to put knickers on before the flight could take off.
Rhianna was slammed for promoting rape in here latest video; what do they mean by slammed?? That’s a bit excessive, but it would teach her!
A supermarket till error in a the Scottish town of Greenock that was giving people 3 crates of larger for £11 instead of £20 caused a stampede; A Stampede and Road Congestion that required police support? To save £9 on booze? Sweet, as soon as the Scott’s find out the price of a Pint in North Korea is only 38p Kim Jong Il will see an army of angry Kilts on the horizon like a scene from Braveheart.
The Playstation Network is fully restored; Resulting in me being up all night and sleeping all day leaving no time to do this blog before heading off for my gig.
Widespread Iodine deficiency found in UK schoolgirls; Also conclusive proof that iodine can’t be found in make-up, hairspray or spunk.
Police probe as a second care home resident dies….. Well stop fucking probing them!!
Because I’ve been in a hurry and todays news was a bit half arsed here is a bonus rant I wrote last night:

Geordie Shore Go Fuck Yourself:
Quotes from the reality TV show
"I'm gonna get on it like a car bonnet" Well wait til I'm doing 70mph will ya!?
"I'm want to cover my body in hotdog brine" Well I hope you're alergic to it!
"I always get to the highest point in the club" Well I always pray for lightening!
"My spare tyre just means lads have a cushion for the pushin"  Well I hope the pushing is towards a cliff edge!
"I could talk the back legs off a donkey" well get real close coz they're hard of hearing THEN SPOOK IT!!
"I should have a degree in pulling" you should have a second degree in being a bell end and third degree burns
"I have more faces then guess who" Good coz I feel like a winner when I slam those faces into the deck

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