Wednesday, 29 June 2011

News for Dummies 29/6 - Guest written by Daniel Sloss

YAY! It’s another daily news blog. With me Daniel Sloss! OMFGWTFBBQ!!!

It’s another day where I am summarising the news while Kai is in Amsterdam desperately trying to haggle down the price of a prostitute despite the fact that she has a gorgeous adams apple and only does anal.

What interesting has happened in the news today? Nothing. Like always, but thanks to The Sun (which is like getting the news from a child who vaguely overheard the news from two adults) they’ve managed to compile a massive list of things I couldn’t give a shit about. Here it goes!

MPs have been having a go at Scottish gas for spending too much cash… That’s a bit like the pot calling the kettle black (dirty racist pot). That’s like Josef Fritzl hosting DIY SOS. Or Susan Boyle on How to Look Good Naked. Or Justin Bieber on Why Abortions are Bad. (note, this is not a show, nor should it be)

Speaking of shit shows. Has anyone seen Snog, Marry Avoid? I don’t know why I asked, it’s not like you can answer. This is a pre-written blog. By the time you read this I’ll be having a wank. Anyway, I watched it yesterday. I didn’t realise that it was 3 options. I thought it was the 3 stages of being in a relationship.

Hulk Hogans ex-wife has claimed that she was always so scared that he was going to kill her in a drug fuelled rage. What a moron. Doesn’t she know wrestling is fake? He wasn’t actually hitting her, he was just making it look like he was hitting her. “He tore my shirt off.” That’s his entrance you stupid bitch! “He was always telling me what to do?” Well, Hogan does know best.

Another shitty ned has been sent to jail for stabbing someone coz he’s a dick. The kind of kid that had a fucked up childhood, you know, the kind of household where “SAY UNCLE!” had an entirely different meaning. Anyway, he’s gone to jail where he’s going to get out in 6 months coz the judicial system in Britain is fucked. My mate once got smacked over the head with a brick by a ned, and the ned got fined £80. That was it. Not only is that shocking, it’s also fucking worth it. I’d pay him £80 to smack him over the head, he’s annoying as shit.

Prince Harry has a new girlfriend or something like that. She’s fit, he’s posh. They sat down and she said “I’d love to meet your dad.” to which the reply was “ME TOO!”

An NHS nurse (who’s a bloke) is offering backstreet silicone ops into mens penises to make them bigger. First of all: LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL. Second of all: the picture they’ve used is a No More Nails gun. Fuck. How’s that gonna help? Is he gonna stick another one on the end?

A mother who’s son died after choking on a grape made a statement yesterday while choking back tears. <-- There is no punch line there, I just thought The Sun could’ve phrased that a bit better.

Two and a Half men have decided to kill Charlie Sheens character off in the series. They don’t know how they’re going to do it, but they’ve said they’re going to make sure it’s not funny. Much like the entire TV show.

Andy Murray is in the paper with Rory McIlroy. I haven’t read the article, but by the looks of it they’ve tied in the annual “Smile like a stroke victim” competition.

WHAT TIME IS IT?!?!?!? PUN TIME! LETS ROCK THIS LIKE KAI ROCKS THE BEDROOM. Not very well and we’ll all be a bit embarrassed by the end of it.

Simon Cowell says he backs Louis Walsh 100% - Louis is disappointed they don’t take turns.

Shia LeBeouf says he had an off screen fling with Megan Fox - where she FLUNG him off! HA! Dirty bastard.

Boy chokes to death on grape - before he passed he gave out a little wine! HA! That’s stolen from like the 1960s…

Well that’s all from me today. I’ll be back tomorrow where I will be inexplicably mean about people in the paper who I’ve never met just because I can. Kai sent me a text yesterday saying he was “Higher than a giraffes fanny.” but coming to think of it, he was probably about to hire a gyrating fanny.

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